Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He better not be in your backpack
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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