You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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