I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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