The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
