so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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