I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
