All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's never too late to be topless.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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