I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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