I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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