He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
They have beer where we have blood.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
