so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
