Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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