I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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