Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
someone owes me an orgasm
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
