this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
