Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
