like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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