I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
