so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
