tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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