I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I need to calm my uterus...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
