My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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