fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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