Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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