Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And then my night got REAL pukey
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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