So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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