matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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