i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
