I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Randomize
