The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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