I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
