I want to walk on stilts...naked
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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