Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
