there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
