I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I want to be your penis for a week.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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