I wish life had little blips of pornography
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
