i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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