you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
