the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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