Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Randomize
