Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My vagina is officially offended.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
