We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
