can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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