Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
