I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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