My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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