After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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