I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
