Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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