I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
