I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
