I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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