I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
