i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize