i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
