i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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