This is not my ceiling
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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