omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
