I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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