yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
