After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
