Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
